Conversation #102

I’m not sure if it really was the conversation 102 I had with myself, I lost track somewhere along the way, but today I am back to where I had particular one I remember, one of those conversations in my head.  It kind of went like this:

Me: what the hell is wrong with you?

My head: what the hell have you done again?

Me:  this is it, I am done.

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you should just cut back.

Me: you could just cut back, but you should be done.

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me:  who is mad at me?

My head: really, you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me: how bad did you f up?

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me: I’m done, I’m not drinking again.  That was it.

My head: Take some time off, you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

So what would I do?  I would take the time off, like 7 – 21 days or so, and then slowly would ease back into it.  The first few times would go ok, I could do it, I could be a social drinker, I can lose my binge drinking label.  Bam, another one would come out of nowhere, one meaning another morning waking up at 3am, gasping for water, judging myself and what I would do, then once again the conversation in my head. 

This particular one, conversation 102, I really hadn’t planned it this way.  I didn’t plan to get wasted, those are the ones that get ya, the ones you don’t plan for, this particular drunk night that led to conversation #102 really hadn’t though.

 

The day went like every other volleyball tournament day.  Woke up super early, drove 2 hours to the tournament, watched them play all day, don’t eat because the food choices aren’t the best here, work out in a hotel room, go out to dinner with team. 

It was the go out to dinner with the team thing that got me, well more specifically, the martini’s that got me.  I hadn’t eaten, worked out, went to dinner, drank 2 martini’s and bam…wasted!

My girls were there, the team was there, I didn’t offend anyone and wasn’t a mean or angry drunk, honestly, the parents thought it was great, I was fun, but I was wasted.  My middle daughter asked my older daughter what was wrong with me, she had to explain it to her.  I ran up the escalator, ran through the hotel, and remember every single step of it.  I never blacked out, never forgot.  I woke up in the middle of the night with that familiar, you f’ing idiot. 

The next day I walked down an empty hallway in the convention center.   I sat on the floor, wrote myself a note, and told myself I had to get this in check, I should be done.  I grabbed both my girls, apologized, and told them how alcohol effects different people and it was clearly effecting me bad.  I felt remorse, guilt, shame all the usual.  I never told them I was done drinking, I told them I wasn’t going to drink for a long time.  I made it through the grease cravings, the shakes, the heart palpitations and the restless sleep so now it was time I was going to stay straight, giving it up.  I had told my girls, I won’t drink for a while and I didn’t. But like always I crept back.   I knew I wanted to quit, I knew I wanted to be done, but the thought of never drinking again, scared me.  Wtf is wrong with that, quitting drinking forever scared me more than acting like a fool in front of my kids. Wtf!  something about never again, freaked me out.  I think more so failing at never drinking again was the scary thing, not the not drinking.   Or getting through events, holidays, outings without drinking, I couldn’t do that.

The difference about conversation #102 that I had with myself in the particular place I am in right now, it was the closest I came to stopping.   I had typed a text to my non-drinking friend telling her I was quitting which was going to be my accountability, she would keep me on track.   How silly is that thinking, I am the only one that can keep me on track.  Yes, I can have accountability and friends along with support along the way, but ultimately, it is me. 

I had this conversation maybe about 20 more times before the last day.  Well, what I am hopeful is the last time, before the change really took place.  Although conversation #102 wasn’t the one, it was a little deeper and a bit more meaningful than the ones before it, even the ones that came after. 

Currently I am super grateful I had it, where it led me, it got me to where I am now and while it may not be the path I envisioned, I like the path and I am grateful that I get to navigate it!  Today back in this place, back where it all went down, I am thankful to be here without remorse.  The remorse I am hoping to have today is the amount of junk I will eat while watching the matches.  Thankful to be here with my girl I had freaked out a year prior, clear minded. 
 

 

this is the greatest show!

have you seen the Greatest Showman?
Run…do.not.walk. it is absolutely awesome!

my little J and I snuck off to the theater on a Sunday afternoon months ago and we are still signing and performing, daily!  I downloaded the soundtrack before we even left the theater.

this is the thing, not only are you going to be singing these tunes for some time to come, but you are going to  smile, laugh, dance, tap your foot and cry along the way.  this movie is packed with so much feel good, i didnt even realize it was possible.

lets just start it off with who knew wolverine was such an entertainer, and how much more good looking did he get because of it.  ok, so maybe everyone knew that Hugh Jackman is entertaining amazingness, but me, I am grateful I now know. 

what sealed the deal for me was this video.  his passion for this oh my, he was not supposed to sing during this rehearsal, he just could not hold himself back.  i mean his under study is hanging in there fine, but that music is just taking hugh over and he cant be held back.  awesome, just awesome.

this movie is so great for kids too.  build your dreams kids!  dont let anyone hold you back, dream your dreams, see them, visualize them and go for them.  you may fail time after time, but under no circumstances do not give up on your dream!

hard work does pay off.  you work hard chasing that dream and some form of that dream will be withihn yourr grasp.  it is not a if you get knocked down you quit message, actually the last song is the one that moves me the most.  when you think it is gone, crumbled at your lowest, that is where the change comes, that is when the good work starts, that is when the dream is in grasp.  the work begins and it does pay off, over and over again in lessons and rewards.

this is me.  that is darn right, you do not let anyone tell you different, you do not let anyone push you down, you be who you are meant to be. I mean this one really needs nothing more.  what a hit!

 

a million dreams are keeping me awake, oh man can i relate to this one.  the number of times i am up in the night, my mind racing because i have so many things, big things swirling in my hand.  this song inspires me to not forget those plans, not give up on them, get them written down and create goals and a plan.

 

and Zach Efron??  what Troy Bolton and hello Philip?  i mean of course he graduated from East High, so amazing what he has gone on to do.  now we have more goodness from Zach, he did not disappoint, not one bit.

defiantly 2 thumbs up from mama and j on this movie, something I could watch over and over again, but defiantly on the big screen.  that is key on this one!  although we will be singing and dancing along from the couch when it is released.

 

is it a burn out?

burn out!
holy shit! 
I think I am now recovering from a total burnout or hopefully recovered I should say.  
have you ever had a burn out? 
I don’t think it’s the Arianna Huffington one where I collapse and fall on the floor and wake up a new woman, but it is definitely something i am recognizing now that january is wrapping up. 
really, i am super happy to close the books on january. 
since november, life has been a complete blur for me.  I was pumped to spend five days at home followed up by my fave, the annual turkey bowl, black friday and then it ran into the weekend kicking off basketball season. i mean awesome right?  start with a carb lovers dream meal topped with gravy and ending with a post basketball game celebration (1-0 bitches) that when on until the early morning.  the problem is, the events never ended from there.  
when the December rolled around, i got sick, that knocked me out…hard. it then rolled into my ‘vacation’ time, lol, that is laughable, there was nothing vacation about it, that is why it is called mom pto, so different than just pto. I was so looking forward to my two full weeks off work and time to just relax.  i went into my list making self, my usual plan of how i am going to organize my life over the next 3 weeks, be prepared with presents wrapped under the tree and the picture perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas.  i promise you, that didnt happen.  did i ever tell you about my crazy high expectations?  between basketball games, kids activities, tryouts, I just got more and more overwhelmed. I spent a ginormoious chuck of time volunteering followed up by one event into the other.  I kept thinking today is going to be the day i can regroup and focus, and that day never came.  probably not helpful, but extremely fun, the December was parties and events and outings all that required me not only to celebrate a little more but spend a good good amount of money. 
I was so ready to get back to work and back into my routine.  as much as I say I want a home routine or work from home, that is not my reality so it was too hard for me to get into a routine over that break knowing it wasn’t something that was going to be sustained.
my workouts were off 
my eating was off
I was over drinking
I was over spending
I wasnt sleeping
I wasnt even showering some days! 
I am pretty sure this is where the January 1 melt down came into play. 
I am not one for self-pity, I have always felt push through, suck it up and move on.  i couldnt grasp why I couldn’t get out of this funk it was killing me the negativity, the fogginess of my brain, the overwhelming feeling of panic attacks from the tightness in my arm to the pain in my legs. everything was just overwhelming my whole being.

1/1 I woke up I knew something had changed. granted it was a new year and that’s always a time for me to go into my crazy expectations of a fresh start, I was going to take full advantage of that. the reality, it has taken me a solid 30 days to get to a point where I feel somewhat life like again and that turnaround just happened this morning.  
last night was the first night I slept well, I woke up feeling refreshed, I actually like felt like I was more alive when I looked in the mirror and all of the podcast and self-help book I have been walking around listening to and diving myself into for the past 30 days have made a shift in my thinking.  these days my ear buds are always in, my commutes are podcast filled and while at my desk I am listening to books.  in pick up lines in parking lots i am listening to anything I can get my brain wired to help me overcome the overwhelming craziness of November and December.
now that the book is closing on January and i couldnt be more thankful. the new month i am focused on change and instead of being anxious and overwhelmed and wanting to cry at the drop of a hat and just driving in my car crying,  I am rested. today, I felt like I wanted to get up and face the day, I almost felt like something shifted inside me, there was a spark today. this week coming up is one that I dreaded, and my thought had been, dread a doom, stay in bed and sleep through it, but the shift altered me to be ready to attack this week filled with work, kids school schedules, basketball tournaments, volleyball tournament basketball games, the gym and appointments I need to take care. earlier this week I was debating podcasting, just so i could vent and cry, but that feeling has escaped me, kathy & i still podcasted but about another subject, still  talking about tough stuff, but not all doomsday! 
thank you mind shift that happened between 10pm and 5am, I’m now ready to attack with caution so there is not a slippery slope that takes me down for 90 days again.

A quick win, WATER!

have you started the new Year with ‘I am going to eat well?’  

how is it going? 

want a quick win that you can start, now! 
like really you have all the tools, you just need you and a good water bottle or cup! 

really, it is a small thing that can turn so much around! 

why should you should drink more water?  i mean besides the fact it is flushing everything out of you and it is great for you, this picture pretty much says it all.

 but just in case you need a refresher:

  • Increases Energy & Relieves Fatigue
  • Promotes Weight Loss
  • Flushes Out Toxins
  • Improves Skin Complexion
  • Maintains Regularity
  • Boosts Immune System
  • Natural Headache Remedy
  • Prevents Cramps & Sprains
how much water?  i am not so good at math, but i can even figure this one out. 

how are we going to do it?  that is the biggest battle.  here are some tips to help you stay successful! 
  • fill up your water bottles the night before, like multiple water bottles with the amount you need to drink throughout the day or a gallon jug, and just keep filling your water bottle or cup from that jug all day.  now you know exactly how much you need to get down the hatch during the day.
  • get 16-32ozs down before you even get out of bed.  i am a firm believer in this one!  take that bottle of water to bed with you, as soon as you get up, chug it!  yes, you will have to pee all morning, but it is worth it.  you are flushing out all of those toxins that your body is working so hard at night to get rid of, get them gone and you already have a good amount in your system for the day!  
  • set a timer or calendar invite to remind you to drink your water.  you dont want to be stuck at the end of the day having to chug 80ozs, that will make for an uncomfortable, sleepless night.  try to consistently drink throughout the day.  if you have a fitbit or apple watch, set up a notification just like those annoying ones that remind you to stand up.  annoying as it is, i always stand up and walk around.  now i will stand up and get more water! 
  • get fancy!  for meals bust out the delicious LaCroix.  nothing sounds better than the crack of a can, a can of water!  the bubbles trip you up and the fun flavors are great.  this is my current fav! what us yours? 

lets do this!  i promise, it will be a quick win that may just start something that you want to keep up with.  what do you have to loose?  keep me posted on how it is going here or on instagram @simonbob
drink up! 

sleep + peace = one day at a time

there is nothing more annoying to me than when i cannot fall asleep. 
i want to sleep
i want to get comfy
i want to be cold to have blankets on me
but i just cannot sleep.

so it is 12:59am, i have been attempting sleep since 10pm.  i have watched fixer upper (congrats chip and jo!) i have explained to my children why they cannot sleep but need to, tomorrow is the first day back from winter break.  i had registered for a 530am workout, cancelled my registration knowing i will need that extra half hour tomorrow i am missing now.  but still, i cannot sleep.

so then i am trying to figure out why.  what is not bringing me peace.
i am thinking it is what to do about grace’s volleyball.  really, jo/high school volleyball is keeping me up, seriously, no, let that shit go.

again, peace, that is my word, what is not giving me peace right now that i cannot sleep.

i know exactly what it is.

for the past several months i keep debating being done drinking.  i talk about it, i think about it, a lot, like a real lot, i listen to podcasts about it, but then things came around.  basketball games, post basketball games when i totally need a drink, holidays, parties, new years, girls nights all of the usual where i fall into the drinking bucket. 

honestly though, and since i am doing scary things in 2018 to bring me peace and typing this is a huge one, there are so many reasons i do not want to be in that drinking bucket any longer.  and if i wasnt here typing about it, good chance no one would even notice if i did stay out of the drinking bucket.  really, not drinking is one bucket of my life i would probably have the most support.  i have a ton of awesome drinking friends, but i also i have a ginormous handful of amazing non-drinking, supportive, mentors and friends.

what is holding me back?  per usual, me.  just like i said in my previous posts, i do not do the scary things, i just could float by status quo and everything would be ok.

but i want to do this scary thing.  but really is it that scary?  it is, because i am making it scary. 
instead of just thinking, dude, the day is over and you did not drink today, great job.’  i have to put so much more into it.  seriously, the shit that goes through my head amazes me.

i have to put a time constrain on it, i wont drink in january, see how it goes.  really? that is just dumb, why do i feel i need to set a time line for every freaking thing.

when i look to the future, i imagine me sitting on the porch enjoying a cocktail.  are you freaking kidding me??  at this rate you may never retire, you should be more concerned about that and not what you will be drinking.

we are heading into fundraiser season, how fun will all of those be sober.  actually, i should try it because i never even know i have won a prize, i am running around getting drinks and chatting.  like that time i won $500, didnt claim it, i was at the bar.

so instead of fretting about what i am going to do on saturday, next week, or for crying out loud in 15 more years, i need to just focus on a day.  find that peace in each day and not a time constrain. 

maybe i will last a day, maybe a year, maybe the rest of my life but the end goal is to find peace so i will work on that daily.

i guess there is some meaning behind that old saying
one day at a time.
 

i think i may be able to sleep now, what was keeping me up can now let me sleep in peace, for today that is. 
although now all i hear is todd snoring, i promise, that is not bringing me peace or sleep.
again, one day at a time. 🙂

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