there is nothing more annoying to me than when i cannot fall asleep.
i want to sleep
i want to get comfy
i want to be cold to have blankets on me
but i just cannot sleep.
so it is 12:59am, i have been attempting sleep since 10pm. i have watched fixer upper (congrats chip and jo!) i have explained to my children why they cannot sleep but need to, tomorrow is the first day back from winter break. i had registered for a 530am workout, cancelled my registration knowing i will need that extra half hour tomorrow i am missing now. but still, i cannot sleep.
so then i am trying to figure out why. what is not bringing me peace.
i am thinking it is what to do about grace’s volleyball. really, jo/high school volleyball is keeping me up, seriously, no, let that shit go.
again, peace, that is my word, what is not giving me peace right now that i cannot sleep.
i know exactly what it is.
for the past several months i keep debating being done drinking. i talk about it, i think about it, a lot, like a real lot, i listen to podcasts about it, but then things came around. basketball games, post basketball games when i totally need a drink, holidays, parties, new years, girls nights all of the usual where i fall into the drinking bucket.
honestly though, and since i am doing scary things in 2018 to bring me peace and typing this is a huge one, there are so many reasons i do not want to be in that drinking bucket any longer. and if i wasnt here typing about it, good chance no one would even notice if i did stay out of the drinking bucket. really, not drinking is one bucket of my life i would probably have the most support. i have a ton of awesome drinking friends, but i also i have a ginormous handful of amazing non-drinking, supportive, mentors and friends.
what is holding me back? per usual, me. just like i said in my previous posts, i do not do the scary things, i just could float by status quo and everything would be ok.
but i want to do this scary thing. but really is it that scary? it is, because i am making it scary.
instead of just thinking, dude, the day is over and you did not drink today, great job.’ i have to put so much more into it. seriously, the shit that goes through my head amazes me.
i have to put a time constrain on it, i wont drink in january, see how it goes. really? that is just dumb, why do i feel i need to set a time line for every freaking thing.
when i look to the future, i imagine me sitting on the porch enjoying a cocktail. are you freaking kidding me?? at this rate you may never retire, you should be more concerned about that and not what you will be drinking.
we are heading into fundraiser season, how fun will all of those be sober. actually, i should try it because i never even know i have won a prize, i am running around getting drinks and chatting. like that time i won $500, didnt claim it, i was at the bar.
so instead of fretting about what i am going to do on saturday, next week, or for crying out loud in 15 more years, i need to just focus on a day. find that peace in each day and not a time constrain.
maybe i will last a day, maybe a year, maybe the rest of my life but the end goal is to find peace so i will work on that daily.
i guess there is some meaning behind that old saying
one day at a time.
i think i may be able to sleep now, what was keeping me up can now let me sleep in peace, for today that is.
although now all i hear is todd snoring, i promise, that is not bringing me peace or sleep.
again, one day at a time. 🙂