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this is the greatest show!

have you seen the Greatest Showman?
Run…do.not.walk. it is absolutely awesome!

my little J and I snuck off to the theater on a Sunday afternoon months ago and we are still signing and performing, daily!  I downloaded the soundtrack before we even left the theater.

this is the thing, not only are you going to be singing these tunes for some time to come, but you are going to  smile, laugh, dance, tap your foot and cry along the way.  this movie is packed with so much feel good, i didnt even realize it was possible.

lets just start it off with who knew wolverine was such an entertainer, and how much more good looking did he get because of it.  ok, so maybe everyone knew that Hugh Jackman is entertaining amazingness, but me, I am grateful I now know. 

what sealed the deal for me was this video.  his passion for this oh my, he was not supposed to sing during this rehearsal, he just could not hold himself back.  i mean his under study is hanging in there fine, but that music is just taking hugh over and he cant be held back.  awesome, just awesome.

this movie is so great for kids too.  build your dreams kids!  dont let anyone hold you back, dream your dreams, see them, visualize them and go for them.  you may fail time after time, but under no circumstances do not give up on your dream!

hard work does pay off.  you work hard chasing that dream and some form of that dream will be withihn yourr grasp.  it is not a if you get knocked down you quit message, actually the last song is the one that moves me the most.  when you think it is gone, crumbled at your lowest, that is where the change comes, that is when the good work starts, that is when the dream is in grasp.  the work begins and it does pay off, over and over again in lessons and rewards.

this is me.  that is darn right, you do not let anyone tell you different, you do not let anyone push you down, you be who you are meant to be. I mean this one really needs nothing more.  what a hit!

 

a million dreams are keeping me awake, oh man can i relate to this one.  the number of times i am up in the night, my mind racing because i have so many things, big things swirling in my hand.  this song inspires me to not forget those plans, not give up on them, get them written down and create goals and a plan.

 

and Zach Efron??  what Troy Bolton and hello Philip?  i mean of course he graduated from East High, so amazing what he has gone on to do.  now we have more goodness from Zach, he did not disappoint, not one bit.

defiantly 2 thumbs up from mama and j on this movie, something I could watch over and over again, but defiantly on the big screen.  that is key on this one!  although we will be singing and dancing along from the couch when it is released.

 

is it a burn out?

burn out!
holy shit! 
I think I am now recovering from a total burnout or hopefully recovered I should say.  
have you ever had a burn out? 
I don’t think it’s the Arianna Huffington one where I collapse and fall on the floor and wake up a new woman, but it is definitely something i am recognizing now that january is wrapping up. 
really, i am super happy to close the books on january. 
since november, life has been a complete blur for me.  I was pumped to spend five days at home followed up by my fave, the annual turkey bowl, black friday and then it ran into the weekend kicking off basketball season. i mean awesome right?  start with a carb lovers dream meal topped with gravy and ending with a post basketball game celebration (1-0 bitches) that when on until the early morning.  the problem is, the events never ended from there.  
when the December rolled around, i got sick, that knocked me out…hard. it then rolled into my ‘vacation’ time, lol, that is laughable, there was nothing vacation about it, that is why it is called mom pto, so different than just pto. I was so looking forward to my two full weeks off work and time to just relax.  i went into my list making self, my usual plan of how i am going to organize my life over the next 3 weeks, be prepared with presents wrapped under the tree and the picture perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas.  i promise you, that didnt happen.  did i ever tell you about my crazy high expectations?  between basketball games, kids activities, tryouts, I just got more and more overwhelmed. I spent a ginormoious chuck of time volunteering followed up by one event into the other.  I kept thinking today is going to be the day i can regroup and focus, and that day never came.  probably not helpful, but extremely fun, the December was parties and events and outings all that required me not only to celebrate a little more but spend a good good amount of money. 
I was so ready to get back to work and back into my routine.  as much as I say I want a home routine or work from home, that is not my reality so it was too hard for me to get into a routine over that break knowing it wasn’t something that was going to be sustained.
my workouts were off 
my eating was off
I was over drinking
I was over spending
I wasnt sleeping
I wasnt even showering some days! 
I am pretty sure this is where the January 1 melt down came into play. 
I am not one for self-pity, I have always felt push through, suck it up and move on.  i couldnt grasp why I couldn’t get out of this funk it was killing me the negativity, the fogginess of my brain, the overwhelming feeling of panic attacks from the tightness in my arm to the pain in my legs. everything was just overwhelming my whole being.

1/1 I woke up I knew something had changed. granted it was a new year and that’s always a time for me to go into my crazy expectations of a fresh start, I was going to take full advantage of that. the reality, it has taken me a solid 30 days to get to a point where I feel somewhat life like again and that turnaround just happened this morning.  
last night was the first night I slept well, I woke up feeling refreshed, I actually like felt like I was more alive when I looked in the mirror and all of the podcast and self-help book I have been walking around listening to and diving myself into for the past 30 days have made a shift in my thinking.  these days my ear buds are always in, my commutes are podcast filled and while at my desk I am listening to books.  in pick up lines in parking lots i am listening to anything I can get my brain wired to help me overcome the overwhelming craziness of November and December.
now that the book is closing on January and i couldnt be more thankful. the new month i am focused on change and instead of being anxious and overwhelmed and wanting to cry at the drop of a hat and just driving in my car crying,  I am rested. today, I felt like I wanted to get up and face the day, I almost felt like something shifted inside me, there was a spark today. this week coming up is one that I dreaded, and my thought had been, dread a doom, stay in bed and sleep through it, but the shift altered me to be ready to attack this week filled with work, kids school schedules, basketball tournaments, volleyball tournament basketball games, the gym and appointments I need to take care. earlier this week I was debating podcasting, just so i could vent and cry, but that feeling has escaped me, kathy & i still podcasted but about another subject, still  talking about tough stuff, but not all doomsday! 
thank you mind shift that happened between 10pm and 5am, I’m now ready to attack with caution so there is not a slippery slope that takes me down for 90 days again.

what I expected


22 days in alcohol free, which is

3 weekends and 12 basketball games.

so there is that, but what i am most shocked about is the expectations i had on this journey and how off i was! let me preface this with I always have the most ginormous expectations, with anything.  with people, with events, heck any darn day of the week, I have ridiculous expectations.
here are just a few that have me shocked thus far on this journey.

expectation #1:
relaxing, I mean what can be more relaxing then being sober and not having the stress of drinking and mom shame?  i had thought being sober would be the answer to that question!  being sober is NOT relaxing me, not one bit.  there was just something about getting that first drink in me after a game or anything that had me stressed out or had caused me anxiety.  right about when the first glass was empty and moving through my blood stream and the second one was on the way did I start to ‘unwind’.  how awful is that?  the first week in, the first basketball game into this journey was a close one, a frustrating one, an extremely frustrating one.  at the end I was annoyed, angry, and completely tense and stressed out.  I had anxiety not only my own but for my kid, which if you have kids, you know, is even worse.  I was worried about her, stressed about her, stressed for her, concern for her, every mom feeling when you know your kid is struggling with multiple issues was moving through me.  my head was not stopping, thoughts and conversations were running through my brain and I have said it before, inside my head is not a fun place to be, it just doesn’t stop.  the usual crew was going out after the game and I wanted to go.  I was and still am determined I am going to still do the things I did prior to 1/1, just not drinking and this was going to be my first one.  my goal is to be the most fun sober person you have been around!  I went, I ordered my water drink and I missed that release, that release off the glass of wine and the stress subsiding. although the time did come when the stress subsided, it is defiantly longer, like a day or 2, but drinking or not drinking that stress returns, and goes right back to where it was, so clearly the alcohol does not end the anxiety, just dulls it a bit, but i will say it is nice not having 2 sets of anxiety the next morning, meaning the stress being back and the anxiety of the day/night prior. 
   

expectation #2, well this is more of a miss:
I miss the funniness (is that a word?) and/or stories.  I am not certain how to describe this.  one of the main reasons I wanted to stop drinking is I didn’t want that to be my identity.  that being said, last weekend when I was out with a friend people were giving her shit because she was hammered the night before and everyone was laughing about it.  I got a pang of… im not going to call it sadness or jealousy, but a pang of ‘oh that is not me they are laughing about’.  which doesn’t even make freaking sense, that was one of the main reasons I wanted to make this shift and then here I am kind of sad I wont get to have a funny, snarky come back to a drunk story.  when that was me, and it often was,  I always felt shame, silly, like what is wrong with you that everyone can go out and hold their booze.  I was having all those feelings for her when the dialogue was happening.  but I was also having a ‘ohh I want a funny story, that is why they hang out with you and they are not going to anymore if you dont do something fun or silly’ feeling. it was almost like I was having ‘the grass isn’t greener on the other side’ feeling, but it is supposed to be greener because I am doing something that is better for me and my family.   this one has me super confused and I think will evolve over time.  goodness knows that I can still have the your stupid story the next day without booze, I will have it from saying something stupid, booze or no booze I will piss someone off I suppose.  anyway, stay tuned on that what I miss. 

expectation #3:
how about drink ordering, I thought I was going to be all sly with this one.  I didn’t want not drinking to be a ‘hing. I didn’t really even want anyone to know I wasnt drinking anymore, my goals was to just slide under the radar.  I had planned, I knew what I was going to order and it was going to look like a drink, so it would never be questioned.  it didn’t work out that way.  I feel like each and every time I ordered a drink prior to 1/1 no one was paying attention.  I always just spoke with my server and asked for what I wanted just her and I.  now it seems that is still the process, oh but now it gets dead silent while I am doing so!  everyone I am with stops talking and waits, then hears my drink request. they look at me and say, ‘oh, you are doing that cleanse thing.’ so that makes it just kind of ok.  that is the perception of how this started, because i am committed to the one/80 I am just not drinking.   I just never validated or explained anything more, so I am still on that cleanse thing as far as they are concerned.  So 22 days into my ‘cleanse’ and doing great.  but then I eat, like not the healthiest and they say ‘oh good cleanse’ again, I just do not validate or explain. 

expectation #4:

I had the ridiculous expectation that on january 2nd I would wake up feeling amazing!  as with anything,  I wanted instant results, just like I do with pretty much everything in my life.  I say I am eating clean, my expectation is the next day I will be down 10lbs and look and feel amazing, this expectation was no different than any other I have had.  I am done drinking alcohol, therefor I will feel amazing the next day, right?

wrong.

I felt worse and honestly 22 days in and I am still not feeling great.  I am tired, forgetful, chubby and just blah.  I feel like I am in a state off fogginess.  
why?  
I am supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine right now.  I am doing something with only positive results,  why do I feel like shit?
expectation #5

sleep, i am going to sleep so well.  at night, I get my diffuser going with lavender and/or some type of peaceful, calming blend.  I have passed up the melatonin for a meditation app, I listen to my podcasts but still sleeping terribly.  
I have tried sleeping more,
I have tried sleeping less 
I cant fall asleep at night
I sleep very restless
I wake up during the night 
and then when the alarm does go off I feel awful and not rested so I sleep late.  I cant get myself out of bed early, which is what I want.  I want to take advantage of the quite hours in the morning and start my day with a quite sunrise, maybe reading something to inspire me for the day, get a morning workout in and I just cant do it.  I want to, like I really, really want to but the long and the short is I slept better before.  that is frustrating to me. 
expectation #6

how about skin, and health wise.  not that sleep isn’t health but not drinking, again, I thought I would just feel better.  I thought my skin would glow since I would be so hydrated from drinking water all night.  seriously, when I am out I am drinking over 100oz of water, I mean that has to be flushing some serious toxins out of me, right?  nope, not feeling that way.  surprisingly I don’t feel bloated the next day, but I don’t feel great either.  when I was drinking I would wake up the next day totally dehydrated, of course.  I would be woken up in the middle of the night with the death cotton mouth in search of my water bottle and chug every last drop.  that next day, I wouldn’t feel terrible, getting hung over didn’t happen to me often, really often times I felt great and was super happy because the scale would be down, a significant amount of pounds down. after a good night out or an awesome weekend I would be feeling great because I had lost a good amount of weight.  while I understand it was just my body dehydrated, it was something.  my stomach was less bloated, my pants fit better so in turn I felt better.  that feeling is gone and I am fully hydrated the next morning.  I expected that, but I was expecting to feel great too and have some glowing skin.  not happening, so again frustration. 

what i love:
I do love not feeling remorse the next day

I do love not having any type of feeling sick the next day

I do love not wanting grease when I wake up 

I do love my bar tab, although I am just playing more keno now, so there really isnt much of a win there. 🙂

I do love my water drink mix

I do love I can drive home

I do love coming home and going to bed feeling proud of myself

I do love coming home and talking to my kids

I do love that they may just seem proud of me or maybe I should say not annoyed with me when I get home.   
Prior to 1/1 when they would call or text asking when I would be home, I would start to have the shame and guilt set in, the I have to switch to ‘focus so you don’t sound confused, focus and articulate’.  heck, now I may be making zero sense to them and still disappoint, but at least I know and they know, I am doing it alcohol free.

Im not sure how this journey will go, I will say,

as with anything it hasn’t been as expected, but as I have learned, it is a journey of day by day. 

A quick win, WATER!

have you started the new Year with ‘I am going to eat well?’  

how is it going? 

want a quick win that you can start, now! 
like really you have all the tools, you just need you and a good water bottle or cup! 

really, it is a small thing that can turn so much around! 

why should you should drink more water?  i mean besides the fact it is flushing everything out of you and it is great for you, this picture pretty much says it all.

 but just in case you need a refresher:

  • Increases Energy & Relieves Fatigue
  • Promotes Weight Loss
  • Flushes Out Toxins
  • Improves Skin Complexion
  • Maintains Regularity
  • Boosts Immune System
  • Natural Headache Remedy
  • Prevents Cramps & Sprains
how much water?  i am not so good at math, but i can even figure this one out. 

how are we going to do it?  that is the biggest battle.  here are some tips to help you stay successful! 
  • fill up your water bottles the night before, like multiple water bottles with the amount you need to drink throughout the day or a gallon jug, and just keep filling your water bottle or cup from that jug all day.  now you know exactly how much you need to get down the hatch during the day.
  • get 16-32ozs down before you even get out of bed.  i am a firm believer in this one!  take that bottle of water to bed with you, as soon as you get up, chug it!  yes, you will have to pee all morning, but it is worth it.  you are flushing out all of those toxins that your body is working so hard at night to get rid of, get them gone and you already have a good amount in your system for the day!  
  • set a timer or calendar invite to remind you to drink your water.  you dont want to be stuck at the end of the day having to chug 80ozs, that will make for an uncomfortable, sleepless night.  try to consistently drink throughout the day.  if you have a fitbit or apple watch, set up a notification just like those annoying ones that remind you to stand up.  annoying as it is, i always stand up and walk around.  now i will stand up and get more water! 
  • get fancy!  for meals bust out the delicious LaCroix.  nothing sounds better than the crack of a can, a can of water!  the bubbles trip you up and the fun flavors are great.  this is my current fav! what us yours? 

lets do this!  i promise, it will be a quick win that may just start something that you want to keep up with.  what do you have to loose?  keep me posted on how it is going here or on instagram @simonbob
drink up! 

sleep + peace = one day at a time

there is nothing more annoying to me than when i cannot fall asleep. 
i want to sleep
i want to get comfy
i want to be cold to have blankets on me
but i just cannot sleep.

so it is 12:59am, i have been attempting sleep since 10pm.  i have watched fixer upper (congrats chip and jo!) i have explained to my children why they cannot sleep but need to, tomorrow is the first day back from winter break.  i had registered for a 530am workout, cancelled my registration knowing i will need that extra half hour tomorrow i am missing now.  but still, i cannot sleep.

so then i am trying to figure out why.  what is not bringing me peace.
i am thinking it is what to do about grace’s volleyball.  really, jo/high school volleyball is keeping me up, seriously, no, let that shit go.

again, peace, that is my word, what is not giving me peace right now that i cannot sleep.

i know exactly what it is.

for the past several months i keep debating being done drinking.  i talk about it, i think about it, a lot, like a real lot, i listen to podcasts about it, but then things came around.  basketball games, post basketball games when i totally need a drink, holidays, parties, new years, girls nights all of the usual where i fall into the drinking bucket. 

honestly though, and since i am doing scary things in 2018 to bring me peace and typing this is a huge one, there are so many reasons i do not want to be in that drinking bucket any longer.  and if i wasnt here typing about it, good chance no one would even notice if i did stay out of the drinking bucket.  really, not drinking is one bucket of my life i would probably have the most support.  i have a ton of awesome drinking friends, but i also i have a ginormous handful of amazing non-drinking, supportive, mentors and friends.

what is holding me back?  per usual, me.  just like i said in my previous posts, i do not do the scary things, i just could float by status quo and everything would be ok.

but i want to do this scary thing.  but really is it that scary?  it is, because i am making it scary. 
instead of just thinking, dude, the day is over and you did not drink today, great job.’  i have to put so much more into it.  seriously, the shit that goes through my head amazes me.

i have to put a time constrain on it, i wont drink in january, see how it goes.  really? that is just dumb, why do i feel i need to set a time line for every freaking thing.

when i look to the future, i imagine me sitting on the porch enjoying a cocktail.  are you freaking kidding me??  at this rate you may never retire, you should be more concerned about that and not what you will be drinking.

we are heading into fundraiser season, how fun will all of those be sober.  actually, i should try it because i never even know i have won a prize, i am running around getting drinks and chatting.  like that time i won $500, didnt claim it, i was at the bar.

so instead of fretting about what i am going to do on saturday, next week, or for crying out loud in 15 more years, i need to just focus on a day.  find that peace in each day and not a time constrain. 

maybe i will last a day, maybe a year, maybe the rest of my life but the end goal is to find peace so i will work on that daily.

i guess there is some meaning behind that old saying
one day at a time.
 

i think i may be able to sleep now, what was keeping me up can now let me sleep in peace, for today that is. 
although now all i hear is todd snoring, i promise, that is not bringing me peace or sleep.
again, one day at a time. 🙂

where i am going

do you love this time of year?  i do!
i love the idea of a fresh start, i like monday’s, i like a new month and i love a new year.

this year, this week in between christmas and new years i havent had that huge burst i usually have.
i know what i want to do, i know where i want to go, but i havent sat down and created the clean slate i have in years past.  that makes me happy.  what?  why does that make me happy?

because i have failed in years past.  yes, this year i have the same goals i have had the past 3-5 years.  yes, they change a little and i have made progress in some aspects, but really, i am generally at the same place i was last year, the year before and the year before that. 

i have failed.

the big three that i always want to change are exactly.the.same.
that is frustrating.

what is more frustrating, is i can tell you exactly why. 
fear

now i do not know if it is i am afraid of failing, afraid of change or afraid of disappointment, probably a good combination of all three.  it is just easier to stay exactly where i am, that is just so stinkin easy. 

so while i may be screaming make the change to everyone around me, it is time i take my own advice and do the things that are in me, that will upset others but that i know in my heart will be a huge improvement for me.  the things that will get me to my big dream/goal, the things that will bring me that peace i am so looking for.

peace in my heart
peace in my head
peace in my home
peace in how i live my life

you often hear people say rest in peace when dealing with death. 
i am ready to live in peace, not just in 2018 but beyond. 

living in that peace will lead me to my big goal and i am pumped for what that holds.

lets do this,
are you with me?

i am committed to being open and honest on this journey here.  that will keep me accountable as to living my life as i want, in peace.

are you ready for a 0ne/80?

what do you think when you hear one/80?  turn it all around? flipping the other way? 
although i have stayed pretty consistent over the holidays with my eating, i feel terrible, sluggish and cannot seem to get my stomach under control!  dairy is killing me, too many bad carbs has me bloated and full feeling.  The one/80 is perfect timing to help me reset myself and flip it all around.

the reason i am so pumped about this is not because of the new year, i dont every need a new year to eat right, i am always striving for that.  it also is not a diet or a quick fix.  the one/80 will lead you to a healthy lifestyle and help you create long standing healthy habits.  clean, portion control and is not a quick fix, but darn, is it going to make me feel so much better. 

the whole program is being broken down into 3 phases, to ensure you are engaged all the way.  this helps me so much as i can attack it in three, which i am a big fan of, chunks of time, totally doable!

umm what is even better?

the free shipping, pineapple coconut spark and $25k!  oh yeah, you read that right.  there is a chance to win $25k for a total transformation, like real…legit!

i am in it for the pineapple coconut spark.  i not ever a coconut fan, but that all changed after i tried this!

what i also love…helping other people reach their goals!  are you looking to make a change?  i would love to have you join me on this journey!  accountability is the key, checking in each day will help you stay motivated, more so me checking in on you each day defiantly will keep you accountable.

lets do this! 

it may not have went as planned

i do this to myself every time.  i have this vision in my head, and i don’t get things done i want to do, because i do not have them exactly as i have planned in my head.  then i get annoyed, angry, frustrated, the usual.  my head is really not a forgiving place to be.

anyway, that is how it went down for watch the polar express on our holiday bucket list.
time was crucial, we were running out of time, we had wrapped up the basketball tournament and were on the last night before christmas eve.  we were grouping have a ‘hot chocolate bar’ and the ‘watch polar express’ together into one night of fun.

you see, when i added have a hot chocolate bar to the holiday bucket list, i pictured it to look like this:

 or this

mine wasn’t even worthy of a picture.  i laid on the couch and the kids popped some hot chocolate cups in the kurig and grabbed the redi whip out of the fridge and most likely squirted it in their mouth.  im am not certain of that why you ask?  oh that is because i was asleep on the couch as i had fallen asleep during the polar express.

this holiday season has kicked my butt, well leading up to it i should say.   between basketball games, work, more work holiday sale i am just done.  getting sick for 4 days didn’t help either, i just couldn’t muster up the energy.

but you know what?  we did spend an entire evening together at home.  we did snuggle in on the couch and i am certain that the 4 biggest blessing in my life believe.  the christmas spirit was there and that is a success with whipped cream on the top.

now, to finish up that holiday bucket list.

holiday bucket list

my people and i are pushing hard here at the end of the year.  today starts my first day of pto (no mom pto this time!)  and the kids last day of school.  we have a full list of to do’s to finish out the year along with the several basketball games and practices.  i am going to pack the jolliest of holiday fun into these next 2 weeks or go down trying! 


so the list itself i swiped right from etst.  mine is a simpler form of that amazingness she has over there, we wont be jetting of to CHI town for the weekend, but hey, we are going to go to North Ridgville to see the lights, so really, who is the winner here?

the end goal…  family fun.  Here is the catch.  I have lots of years to cover on the fun factor.  I have my 6 year old littlest crazy person who still is fun with the wonder of Christmas, a 9 year old that needs reminding of the power of believe, a teenage boy with visions of you tuber dancing in his head, along  with a freshmen girl who is a good sport and comes along for all my bucket list adventures, or she may just be coming along for that special holiday meal from mto, it is her holiday bucket list favorite!   
Not familiar with mto? oh you just wait, that will be whole separate post! 

the point being, these next couple of weeks I plan on soaking up as much of my people that I possibly can.  spending every single second with them, if that is possible,  making these holiday’s the merriest, laughing until our faces hurt and snuggled in with them at the end of the day passed out from all the holiday cheer!  

we have checked 2 items off the list thus far:
decorate the christmas tree – check



watch A Christmas Story Live! – check, kind of.  the recording cut off a the end due to the football game going over. ugh… but still a check. 

there is a lot of holiday cheer on deck for this week, cookie making, christmas dance party, oh the fun! 

say tuned for all the fun and how i will keep them all engaged, or you may just see me going down  hard trying, either way, it will be a win. 

do you have a holiday bucket list?  if so what is on it?  

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